Only a Fool
by TattooedSiren
Summary: It is nearly a year since Alex's death. Maria, Liz and Kyle have grown even closer as they deal with the loss of their friends.


Spoilers: All of Season Two but my Departure is different. All the aliens left. Michael and Maria never slept together. They never discovered Tess killed Alex - I'll leave it up to you who killed him.

I'm not good with timelines so lets just pretend the aliens left two months after Alex died. And the fic begins a fortnight before the one year anniversary of Alex's death.

Authors notes: Thanks to Wendy and Jade for their praise and advise - it was priceless. Thanks go to amazing Sarah McLachlan for inspiring this whole story from the chorus of one song. This is my first UC fic and the writing style is a bit different to my usual, so please let me know what you think. 

The song used is Absence of Fear by Jewel.

ONLY A FOOL

The doors to the Crashdown Café opened silently. Kyle breezed in and threw a smile to Maria and Liz, who were both serving customers from behind the counter. The quickly smiled back before returning to their waiting customers as he walked straight over and sat down in a booth then looked at an open menu, which he could probably recite with his eyes closed. 

The café seemed quieter. It had for a long time now. Ever since Max, Michael, Isabel and Tess left for their home, everything seemed quieter. Normal. Wrong.

So out of a group of eight friends, there were only three left: Kyle, Maria and Liz. Kyle had grown very close to the girls. The third musketeer. So was he just a 

replacement for Alex? 

He had asked the girls that once as they sat in the Roswell Quad. The girls looked confused at the question, as if the thought had never entered their minds. Maria, who was sitting between the two, placed her hand gently on Kyle's. She told him, no, he wasn't just a replacement for their best friend. No one could ever replace Alex. But Kyle, he was as dear to the two as Alex had been. And they had never discussed the topic since.

Kyle looked up as Liz came and sat across him in the booth. They smiled at each other and started talking, as if they had never stopped. A normal conversation. The words "alien" and "Czechoslovakian" never came up any more. They hadn't for months.

After the aliens left, and the three were left to deal with the loss of five friends within two months, they would just sit together. They would sit in one of their bedrooms, quiet, never speaking a word, finding comfort in each other's presence. The presence of the only people on earth who could understand what they felt and why. Liz gave up on her quest to find Alex's killer, resigning to the fact it was an accident. 

When the quiet passed, they all felt the need to talk. They talked so much they would talk over each other. And they were never apart. It was as if they were afraid if they separated, one of them would leave or die, and so they had an unspoken agreement to always be together. Kyle didn't socialise with his teammates any more. He barely even spoke to them. It was just the three of them.

Liz became very focused. On anything. The café, her schoolwork, her friends. And it helped her, to get over the loss of her best friend, to accept the betrayal and loss of her soul mate. 

Maria, on the other hand, stayed practically the same. No more focused and no less. Though in the beginning she would sniff her oils in closer intervals. However, the loss of Michael and Alex made her become more protective of the people she had left: Liz and Kyle. 

It had been nearly a year since Alex's death. The first anniversary of his death was a fortnight away. Though they had all made peace with it, they still missed him like crazy, and there were constant reminders of him everywhere, like the picture of Liz, Maria and Alex that hung in the small employees lounge of the Crashdown. But for the last few weeks, they had gotten quieter, more melancholic. The thought of a year without their friend and the subsequent departure of their loved ones looming over their heads was a lot to bear. Despite, or maybe because of, everything that they had experiences since Max saved Liz's life that September that seemed like a lifetime ago.

Maria joined Liz and Kyle about ten minutes after Liz had finished her shift. She bought over a drink for the both of them, knowing exactly without asking what they both wanted. Maria wondered when it was exactly they got so good at reading each other's minds. Was it simply because they had grown so close, or was it a bi-product of their alien contact? 

Liz thanked her and she and Kyle continued talking animatedly. When Maria hadn't joined in the conversation they had been having since she joined them five minutes before, they asked her what was wrong.

She ran her fingers through her cinnamon colour hair. About a month after the aliens had left, she felt the need to change on the outside, to reflect the change on her inside. So she went to the hairdressers and had it coloured and cut. It was now dead straight, ending just below her shoulders. When Liz and Kyle had seen it, they smiled and told her how it good it looked, knowing why she had done it.

Maria sighed, not wanting to verbalise what was in her head but she knew she had to. It was time. "You guys know it's only two weeks away, right?"

Liz and Kyle knew what she was talking about. They had both been thinking about it for weeks. But this was the first time the three had verbalised it. To anyone.

"Yeah, I know it is," Liz replied softly. Kyle simply nodded mutely, letting them know he had been thinking about it too.

"Can you believe it's been a year?" Maria asked.

"No," Kyle replied softly and he reached across the table and careful placed his hands on Maria's. She moved her hand upwards and laced their fingers together.

Kyle wasn't sure why they all felt the need to talk quietly, it's not like they were discussing the things they used to discuss. But he didn't want to raise his voice at all, if not simply because he didn't want to startle the two girls.

"We should do something," Liz suggested.

They both agreed, but at that moment, Liz's dad came downstairs and reminded Liz they were having guests for dinner. She smiled, not wanting her dad to sense the sadness that had come over her and her friends, and told him she would be right up. He nodded and headed out the back.

"I have to go. How about we talk about this later, you know, um, closer to the day," she asked soothingly.

Kyle and Maria nodded. Maria stood up and moved around and sat next to Kyle so Liz could get out, all the while keeping hers and Kyle's fingers intertwined.

Liz shuffled over and got out of the booth. "I'll see you two tomorrow. Wuv ou." 

Liz decided long ago to let her friends know how much they meant to her by saying I Love You at regular intervals. Maria and she had been saying it for years but Kyle was a bit uncomfortable at first, so Liz distorted it, saying Wuv Ou instead. Not only had that made it more comfortable for him, it was now their own little thing.

"Bye Lizzie. Love ya." That was Maria.

"See you tomorrow. Wuv ya too" That was Kyle.

Liz smiled and headed out the back. Her dad was waiting for her in the employee lounge. "Are Maria and Kyle together," he asked.

Liz laughed a short laugh. "Of course not. They're just friends." She headed upstairs and her father followed, shaking his head.

~*~

Kyle closed his bedroom door and collapsed onto his bed. He lay there for a few minutes, not doing or thinking anything. Just being. Ever since he was shot, he liked to just spend a few minutes a day to just sit, and be alone, and process everything that was going on in his head and his crazed world. But today he didn't want to think, he just wanted to be. So he lay there for five, maybe ten minutes, before rising from his bed and walking over to his closet. He opened the door and took out the plain, brown archive box and placed it on his bed. He sat down and lifted the lid, which simply had a small T in the middle in thick, black texta. He removed the blue jersey from it and sorted through the assorted items; candles, jewellery, books, a few pieces of clothing, until he came across an envelope. He took it out, opened it and removed the photo from it's paper home. He stared at it. The only picture he had of the girl who left him. A picture taken of himself and Tess from the prom. He stared at it for a few minutes.

The front door of the house closed. Kyle quickly stuffed the photo back in the envelope and packed up the box. He jumped off the bed and chucked the box back in the cupboard. Just as he was closing the door, there was a soft knock at the door and Jim opened it slightly, "Kyle?"

"Yeah dad, I'm here," Kyle opened his bedroom door. "Hey."

"Hey." Jim lifted the box of pizza he held on his flat palm. "You hungry?"

"Yeah." Jim and Kyle walked out to the lounge room and sat down for dinner.

"Well, not much has been happening lately. I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you for a while, but, I think the more often I talk to you the crazier people would perceive me to be. Not that it really matters. I mean, when, in all the years you have known me, have you known me to care what people think, right. 

"Okay, so what has been happening lately? Um, my mum is still in love with Jim. How sad is that, my mom has a better love life than me. 

"Liz is still as same as ever; top of the class. She told me she had a dream the other night, where everyone was still here and everything was normal, except that you and the aliens had strange hair. That you, Max and Michael had blonde hair and Tess and Isabel had brown hair. Still trying to work out the meaning of that one.

"Kyle is good. Still kicking ass on the football field and the basketball court. Though I don't know how, considering he barely speaks to the team anymore. But you probably know that already. He's been a good friend though. He's helped my get over everything, maybe even more than Liz. Well, Liz helped me make peace with you, but Kyle was the one who forced me to make peace with Michael. Don't ask me how, coz I don't know. He's just…been really good. I don't know what I'd do without him and Liz.

"I really miss you Alex. You know that right. I can't believe it's been almost a year. Did you know that? I mean, does time mean anything to you anymore? Probably not. 

"I am coming to visit you in a few weeks. I know I haven't been there much, to your grave I mean. I think it's just a bit to real for me, like I'd prefer to think you've just moved away and that you are still alive and happy and okay. But I, we, will be visiting soon.

"I better go, it's getting late. Give my regards to Michael and the others. I think it would probably be easier for you to see them as opposed to me.

"Anyway, goodnight Alex. I love you."

Maria put the framed photo of herself and Alex back on her bedside table, next to her photo of herself, Liz and Kyle. She climbed under the covers, turned off her lamp, and went to sleep.

Liz sighed deeply, closing her eyes when she exhaled. She was tired; it had been a very long day.

She smoothed the creases out of the blanket that lay over her outstretched legs. When she was comfortable, she lay back and stared at the stars.

When she was a kid, the stars had always held great fascination for her. Living in Roswell, it was like the stars were brighter than anywhere else on earth, an effect Liz had always put down to the desert – no bright, city lights distorting the illumination. She and Alex used to spend a lot of time stargazing. And then, they used to do it separately, Liz with Max and Alex with Isabel. 

Alex and Max. The two men who had meant more to Liz than anything. And they were both gone. Gazing at the night sky, Liz contemplated her absent loved ones. 

Two weeks. In two weeks, it will be one year from the event that changed her forever. It felt like so much longer than twelve months, like an entire lifetime had passed. Yet, it also felt like it was no time at all, as though she had seen Alex three days ago. 

She was never the same after Alex left her. And then, as if the loss of one of her best friends hadn't been enough to deal with, she lost Max.

Liz shook her head, hoping the physical movement would push those thoughts out of her head. She didn't want to go there at the moment - she didn't have the strength. So instead, she focused on the good times. Hanging out at the Crashdown, movie trips, Alex playing up in class. She thought of Alex the way he would want to be remembered: with a smile on his face.

Liz wiped a tear off her cheek and stood, tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear as she picked up her blanket, and headed in. For sleep.

~*~

Maria walked the halls of West Roswell High. Gripping her books tightly to her chest, she walked to her destination, nodding to the people who said hello to her.

She turned a corner and headed to her best friends, who were talking by some lockers down the hall. Liz, who was talking to Kyle with her back to Maria, turned as if sensing her best friends presence. Maria smiled and finished the last few steps between her and her friends.

"Hey babe," Liz greeted, throwing her arm around Maria's shoulders. 

"Hey guys," Maria replied, throwing Kyle a smile. "What's up?"

"We were just discussing our mutual loathing for Ms Matheson. So, how was English?"

Maria slumped her shoulders. "Same as always: sucky. You two ready for lunch?"

"Absolutely," Kyle said as he turned and sorted out his locker, then shut it with a slam. He put an arms round both the girls and they headed to Maria's locker so she could get rid of her books.

Some of their classmates watched them as they walked through the halls, most with sad looks on their faces. Liz, Maria and Kyle took the death of Alex Whitman badly, but they seem to withdraw even more after their friends Max, Isabel, Michael and Tess ran away. The way they acted had led some students to believe that something else had happened, that the four hadn't simply run away, that something more devastating happened and the three knew about it. Because after they left, Kyle, Liz and Maria seemed to retreat into the background, wanting no attention whatsoever. Like they had had enough, or they even feared it, and they wanted nothing more than to become part of the background. Sure, Liz was still top of the class, but she wasn't as obvious about it. And Kyle still ruled in the sporting arena, but there were no after game parties, no newspaper interviews, and no flashiness. He did what he had to do and then left quietly with the two girls. 

The three friends sat down to lunch, eating silently, comfortable in the calm that surrounded them. They finally began their small talk, unbeknown to each other that they all had the exact same thought in their heads. What were they going to do on Saturday, the anniversary they had all been dreading.

In the end it was Kyle who asked the inevitable. It was Thursday, only two days away, and they still had not discussed it since that day in the Crashdown. 

"So, what time are we going to the grave on Saturday," Kyle asked softly into the silence, not wanting to seem too harsh with his question.

Liz and Maria knew the question was coming and had both thought about what they should do. Maria spoke, "how about we just go over at about dusk. We can take some candles and flowers and just…visit."

Liz and Kyle nodded and Maria told them she would pick them up on Saturday.

~*~

The car doors closed with a loud bang. There was absolutely no sound around them aside from the noise of trampled leaves and grass. The three friends silently made their way over to the grave. Kyle carried a blanket, Liz carried a small bag full of candles and incense in one hand and a bunch of flowers in the other, and Maria carried Alex's guitar.

Kyle lay the blanket down in front of Alex's grave. Liz fished around in the bag full of Maria's candles and incense, and between the two of them they set them out around them and lit the candles. Maria then reached for the bouquet of flowers they bought and lay them against the plaque. 

After they finished laying everything out, they finally sat down. Maria sat and then Liz and Kyle sat so their knees where touching hers and they were facing each other. Alex's headstone completed the circle.

"How about we begin with a prayer," Liz suggested. None of them had ever been in this kind of situation before and weren't sure how to act or what to do.

Liz reached out and held Maria's hand, giving it a slight squeeze. Maria then stretched out her right hand and grasped Kyle's. He took it readily, and placed his other hand on top of it.

"Deal Lord," Liz began, "Alex left us before his time. He was too young and too sweet a person to be taken from us. However, we know you have your reasons and that you have taken good care of him for us, so when we join him, it will be just like the old times."

Liz indicated to Maria to say something. 

"Lord, you know how much we miss Alex and I wish more than anything he was still with us. Please look after him and give him my love."

Now it was Kyle's turn. "Alex, I miss ya man." That was all Kyle would say. Even when silently Liz pressed him for more, all he did was shake his head.

They sat quietly for a long time after that, lost in their own thoughts, their own memories. There were so many to choose from. 

The sky was slowly getting darker. Before they knew it, the candles that surrounded them were the only illumination they had. 

They began talking to Alex as if he had never left. Filling him in on everything, reminiscing, joking and laughing. It felt good – Alex wouldn't want them to be sad.

But then they ran out of things to say and just sat in silence again, though it was not uncomfortable. It seemed as though ever since Alex left them they were either deadly silent or talking over each other. No one knew why.

"Maria, "Liz spoke softly after a while. It was too quiet for anything else. "Play us a song."

Maria slowly released her friends' hands and reached for the guitar behind her. She held it gingerly and got ready to play. Only she couldn't think of what to play. She began telling her friends this but Kyle interrupted after she only uttered one syllable. "Play us something for Alex. How you feel about him or how you miss him or something. You must have had a song to help you deal with him. Play it to us."

She nodded at him and strummed the guitar a few times. She closed her eyes and began singing.
    
    _Inside my skin there is this space,_
    
    _It twists and turns, it bleeds and aches._
    
    _Inside my heart there's an empty room,_
    
    _It's waiting for lightning, it's waiting for you._
    
    _And I am wanting,_
    
    _And I am needing you here,_
    
    _Inside the absence of fear._
    
    _Muscle and sinew, velvet and stone,_
    
    _This vessel is haunted, it creaks and moans._
    
    _My bones call to you, in their separate skin,_
    
    _I make myself translucent, to let you in._
    
    _For I am wanting, _
    
    _And I am needing you here,_
    
    _Inside the absence of fear._
    
    _There is this hunger,_
    
    _This restlessness inside of me._
    
    _And it knows that you're no stranger,_
    
    _You're my gravity._
    
    _My hands will adore you through all darkness aim,_
    
    _They will lay you out in moonlight,_
    
    _And reinvent your name._
    
    _For I am wanting,_
    
    _And I am needing you here,_
    
    _Inside the absence of fear._

Maria slowly opened her eyes again and let the final tears fall, the ones that hadn't escaped like the rest from behind her closed eyelids. She brushed the tears from one of her cheeks and looked at Liz, who had tears freely streaming down her face. She smiled weakly at her and Liz tried a smile in return but was overcome by her tears and couldn't. Maria leaned forward and gave her a hug.

Maria then turned her attention to Kyle. He had no tears, neither on his cheek nor in his eyes. He was stoic, but Maria could tell he was trying hard to remain so. She simply leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

Maria wiped the remaining tears off her cheek and looked around. "It's getting late, we should probably get going."

Liz and Kyle simply stood and began packing up – extinguishing the flames on the candles, packing the incense away. Maria put Alex's, her, guitar back in it its case. When they were done they got off the blanket and Kyle picked it up and bunched it under his arm without folding it.

The three stood facing the grave for a moment. Kyle turned silently and headed back to the car and Liz followed a minute later. Maria looked at the plaque for a moment longer, whispered, "Love you," and returned to her car. They piled their belongings into Maria's Jetta and drove away from the cemetery. 

Maria dropped Liz off first. When they pulled up to the Crashdown, Liz invited them in but Maria said she just wanted to go home. Liz understood and leaned over and gave Maria a long hug. The two best friends had been through a lot together, more than two people their age should, and a reassuring hug from someone who knew how the other was feeling was exactly what they needed. 

Maria whispered "I love you" in Liz's ear and she replied with "I love you too."

Kyle, who had been sitting behind Liz in the Jetta, got out of the backseat and opened the door for Liz. She smiled at him and gave him a warm hug. "Love ya Kyle."

"Wuv ya too Liz."

They ended the embrace and Kyle got into the passenger seat of the car and he and Maria watched Liz walk inside. When she was out of sight, they turned to each other.

"You know, my mum is staying over with your dad tonight."

Kyle grimaced slightly. He really didn't mind their parents being together anymore. As long as his dad was happy, he was happy.

"Do you wanna crash at my place," Maria offered. Kyle simply nodded and so Maria started the car and drove home.

~*~

"Those songs!! They were sooo bad. But, you know, he loved them, so I couldn't tell him that."

Kyle chuckled. He and Maria were sitting on the edge of Maria's bed. They had been talking for God knows how long. Twenty minutes? An hour and a half? The lack of interest in time wasn't a shock to him. It happened more and more often.

Maria smiled slightly at Kyle's far away look. She queried him on where he was.

"I was just thinking about something. Can I tell you something, something I have never told anyone?"

"Of course," Maria replied as she shifted on the bed and turned around to face him better.

"Alex, of all people, was the one who opened my eyes and helped me to accept our martian friends."

Maria arched her eyebrow; something Kyle hadn't seen her do for a while. "How?"

"Do you remember when you and Michael were with Laurie and Alex and I were trapped in the cave with those crystal type thingies?" 

Maria nodded. "The ganderium."

"Right. Well, we were talking, what else were we gonna do, right? We were talking about… the end … of… you know… Anyway, Alex said to me that I had this knowledge that billions of people don't have. And would I have wanted to be outside the cave if it meant I was another dumb jock. I had to admit that I wouldn't. It's like, with Alex," Kyle shifted around to face Maria better, "he not only accepted our crazy, insane world, but he accepted it as if there was no other option. As if things were exactly how they were supposed to be." Kyle started to choke up and Maria put her hand gently on his leg in comfort, allowing him to finish. "Alex was such a good person. Why did he have to die? Why? And why didn't I know him better? I mean, the only reason we spoke was because of this dumb-ass secret, otherwise…"

Maria leaned over and rested her forehead against his and caressed his cheek, trying to soothe him.  

She pulled back, looked him in the eye and told him, "Alex considered you a friend Kyle. He really did."

At this a tear streaked down Kyle's cheek and Maria gently moved her thumb over it to wipe it away. His hand came up to his face and covered her hand, lacing their fingers together, while she leaned in and rested their foreheads together.

Neither knew who moved first, but before they knew it, their lips had pressed together. The kiss was sweet, gentle and full of emotion. 

Simultaneously they pulled back. They looked at each other and Maria's hand dropped from his cheek. 

Kyle apologised. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay," Maria responded quickly. Maybe too quickly. "It was my fault."

They both turned their bodies away from each other and Maria wiped at her face and was surprised to find a tear had traced a path down her right cheek. 

Maria stood and began to walk away but Kyle caught her hand. She froze. She wasn't sure where she was intending to go, but it was apparent she was no longer going there.  She stood still, her back to Kyle, both their arms outstretched as far as possible. 

She turned slowly, unsure of what she would find when she faced him. His eyes were locked on hers and he stood slowly. As soon as he was at full height, they both instantly closed the gap between them and kissed each other. They fell back onto the bed and continued their fevered assault on each other.

Their hands were everywhere.  They couldn't get enough of each other. Kisses were planted wherever possible: lips, cheek, neck, forehead. 

They began tugging at each other's clothes but found they couldn't undo each other's buttons. It was as if all the emotion they were feeling, not only from this particular moment but also from the emotional day, had thrown them into a world they weren't prepared for and it had made them clumsier than usual. In the end, they ended up yanking their own clothes off and throwing them on the floor.

Kyle was on top of Maria but was careful not to crush her under his weight. They were kissing softly, the passion most definitely there but subdued for the moment. The kiss ended and Kyle admired the girl under him. The girl who still had her eyes closed and whose cheeks were slightly flushed. The girl who was his best friend. 

As he gently entered her, he whispered sincerely, "I love you Maria."

Maria eyes flew open. In that moment, everything froze, time stood still. It reminded Maria of when she was a kid and she fell down the stairs. As she lay at the bottom, everything spun around her, out of control, as she lay still. The only other time she felt this way was when Michael told her he loved her and then walked away.

Maria looked into Kyle's eyes and in that moment, she understood. A wealth of knowledge came crashing down onto her. At that moment, she knew. He wasn't in love with her.  He still hadn't gotten over the one person he had been in love with. Tess.

She smiled at him and leaned up and kissed his lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him closer to her. "I love you Kyle."

Later that night, Maria woke up in Kyle's arms. There she was, Maria DeLuca, lying naked in the arms of Kyle Valenti. Who woulda thought it?

A silent tear strode down her cheek. She was a fool. Because she knew she would take whatever Kyle would give her. He was still in love with someone else but she would take all that she could get.

She snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes. 

She was a fool.

Because only a fool was there to stay.


End file.
